FDA member Mike Warner shares his lived experience of miscarriage and subsequent campaigning for a new guidance package and special leave rules, which have been adopted in the Intellectual Property Office.

This year marks the 20th year of Baby Loss Awareness Week in the UK (9th-15th October), culminating in the national ‘Wave of light’ on 15th October. This is a special week for everyone in the baby loss community and beyond to come together to remember. The week also provides an opportunity to raise awareness of the impact of pregnancy and baby loss; and that is my main motivation for writing this blog. Whilst I will open this piece by sharing a little of our personal story, the main point is what can you take away to support yourselves and others who may experience similar losses.

Over the past four years, my wife and I have suffered three miscarriages. Our experience is by no means unique. Over 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss; it is very likely that you, a member of your team or wider family have been affected by these issues, and for that you have my heartfelt condolences.

Our story

Our daughter was born healthy at 31 weeks back in 2015, spending seven weeks in Neonatal Intensive Care. However, since then, we have suffered three miscarriages; one ‘chemical pregnancy’, one late-stage loss at 18 weeks named Daniel, and one termination on medical advice at 10 weeks. Fortunately, last year, my son [Noah] was born healthy following a long and complex pregnancy. Of course, not everyone gets their happy ever after.

In the case of Daniel, my wife suffered a huge haemorrhage, at work, in an open plan office. She called me, very casually, and said she had to nip to the hospital for a checkup, could I pick her up; this wasn’t unusual in our case. I later discovered she did that on purpose as she didn’t want me to have an accident on the way to the hospital. Upon arrival, the nurse thought I knew and rushed me into a room, which I later learned was called the bereavement suite. The image of my wife in pain and the sudden realisation of what had happened haunted me for several months. Without any preparation what-so-ever, the shock was traumatising. We spent the night in the bereavement suite, with Daniel in a cold cot and my wife comatose from exhaustion. At this point the midwives withdrew to give us some time alone; that night was the loneliest, darkest, saddest of my life.

Over the following weeks we were supported by a dedicated Bereavement Midwife and the funeral director who made all the arrangements for a private service and cremation.

What helped us move forward

The following may see somewhat cliché, but this is what we would say to a friend:

Moving forward
As a good friend educated me, be careful of the word recovery! The word has different meanings for different people. Many families don’t really ‘recover’, ie return to what they were; they absorb the impact, develop, evolve, move forward. Baby loss is the loss of hopes and dreams; a future that never was. Your experiences make you, you; they will always be with you, but you learn to live with the loss and move forward. There is a great video from David Haig, who says “don’t allow society to persuade you to get over, or recover, from this tragedy; you don’t have to, there is no need to get over it! Allow yourself to live alongside it.”

Give yourself time
A lesson I learned the hard way; in October 2020 we were advised to terminate a pregnancy at 10 weeks, the baby had a heartbeat but hadn’t developed sufficiently. This was days before covid lockdown 2. I took a few days, but then threw myself back into work dealing with Lockdown 2, then Tier 5, then lockdown 3. Deferring the grief and the constant pressures of work took their toll, resulting in a mental breakdown in February 2021, resulting in 10 weeks absence. You must deal with it, process it, in your own way at some point. You can’t run from it forever. Give yourself time, everyone moves through the grief process at their own pace.

Whatever works for you
There are many ways of coping and dealing with your loss, you do whatever works for you. Your mood may wildly oscillate, one minute angry, one minute emotional, one minute numb. I found physical exhaustion liberating, taking out my anger on a punchbag or weight training at home. Music can be therapeutic; loud and angry or soft and slow. Reading about other lived experiences, mindfulness (one day at a time), helpline and group support. Professional counselling is an option, but it’s important to seek professional assessment; there is a big difference between natural grief and complex trauma.

In the workplace

During these life changing experiences, I have benefited from great leaders who have provided support during the losses, the return to work and the anxiety of the pregnancy with Noah. However, it’s not always clear what support is available or what your options are. Different departments have different policies, or in most cases none at all, with no central guidance or policy.

Over the past five months I have been ‘campaigning’ and subsequently working with the national Civil Service HR to develop and introduce a new guidance package and special leave rules. This package has now been signed off nationally and adopted in full by the IPO. This guidance is a major step forward in providing civil service wide consistent, clear and empathic support to all colleagues affected by pregnancy loss, and guides managers and wider teams to ensure tailored support is in place for their return to work.

For the first time miscarriage is now formally included as a category of Special Leave, making it clearer to line managers that we want to support people through this terrible trauma. If I’m grieving and supporting my family, why do I need a fit note to take sick leave? and I’m not on holiday, so why do I need to use annual leave? The inclusion of miscarriage in the special leave gateway recognises the unique and complex nature of this grief.

I’m really proud to have played a leading role in this piece of work, which I know will give much needed support to those affected in their darkest days, and much needed clarity for line managers to confidently provide said support.

This blog originally appeared on the IPO intranet, where IPO staff can find more information about resources and support available to them.

You can read more about the model miscarriage guidance in this civil service blog: Miscarriage: Civil Service helps to break the silence